Getting Something Off My Chest

I am Christian. Not the in-your-face, if you don't believe what I believe you're going to hell type. But I do believe in God, I go to church regularly, I pray, and, if it seems appropriate, I am happy to talk about my faith. (And yes, I think you can be religious and still believe in Evolution, the Big Bang, and other scientific ideas. In fact, I find that religion supports them.)

So I pray. Let's be clear that I pray with purpose. I recognize and am grateful that I have lots of wonderful things in my life, but there are things I still long for. For the past year, I've been praying that our family could grow. Yes, I specifically prayed for a baby. Just like Hannah and Sarah. Guess what? I still don't have one. I don't think that means I'm praying wrong. I don't think that means God doesn't love me. That does mean that sometimes I'm angry about it, but I still believe God loves me even when I feel that way.

I just thought I would clarify that little tidbit. You can ask for EXACTLY what you want and still not get it.

Anesthesia Fun

OK, so at this point, we finally have the surgery all ready to go. The anesthesia nurse comes in and adds a mild sedative to my IV. There's a little burn, but no big deal. They start moving my bed and say something about am I ready. I just laughed and was like, "at this point I'm just along for the ride." The anesthesia nurse said I only had to worry about breathing, and once we got to the OR, she would take care of it from there. I then made a crack about involuntary muscle contraction, and I acknowledged that I was a smart ass all the time.

We rolled down to surgery and the room was very un-exciting. Cluttered almost. The doctor apologized that he had forgotten his iPod so there were no tunes. :) They put the oxygen mask on me and had me lay my arm out on the padded thing. I remember that the mask was kind of poking the area under my left eye, and... that was it. Seriously. Having never been put under before I figured I would feel it happening, like falling to sleep. Nope. Just like a switch. On then off.

The first thing I remember is rolling and hearing my doctor say that he hadn't found much endometriosis but removed that. And I THINK he said my tubes were clear. Then I remember moaning. It was like the worst cramps I had ever had. And not PAIN so much as discomfort. And I needed to pee. Now I feel like a real loser for moaning when there was really nothing wrong. Anyway, they gave me some toradol (super medical grade ibuprofen like stuff,) and those went down to almost nothing. The need to pee was still there though, but they promised me that it had been drained during surgery. OK.

That whole "waking up" thing was really the worst part. My muscles started trembling and they became functional, my left shoulder blade was poking me because I was every so slightly in the wrong position, and I was still so thirsty after no water for almost 18 hours. The nurse was SO nice though. Her name was Diana and she told me to not apologize for moaning. Then a nice guy named Patrick (not sure his affiliation) got me some ice chips. It sounded like he didn't have to do that, but was just being nice and helpful. The ice chips kept coming, I finally fully came to my senses, and then they rolled me to post-op.

My nurse in post-op was Jackie. She and Diana got me settled with a white cherry slushy (those ice chips were so good that I decided to keep up the theme,) and a smorgasbord of crackers (saltines, goldfish and graham.) Never thought that would fee like a feast. :) I watched some TV, went to the bathroom, and hubs picked me up about an hour later. Oh yeah, and I got my first percocet.

There were terrible storms when we were leaving, so after we got my meds, we came straight home. A made me scrambled eggs and a toaster waffle. Yum. I'm off work today but hope to go back tomorrow. I'll take off Friday too since it's all field day and stuff.

Lead-In to Anesthesia Fun

Well, I had my surgery yesterday. I was told to arrive by 12:00, and my surgery was scheduled for 1:30. I got to the surgery center at about 11:50 (I was nervous) and got in to my pre-op room by 12:30. Then it was a parade of people. My pre-op nurse, Gwen, checked my history, made sure that even though he wasn't there with me all afternoon, my husband was picking me up after my procedure, etc. The security guy came to take my wallet, checkbook, keys, and phone. Oh how I missed my phone. The anesthesiologist talked to me about anesthesia. The resident came in to tell me that she would be in the room as well as the doctor.

Then came the screeching tires. The surgical nurse and I were talking about the procedure and I said that yes, the doctor had talked to me about both the laproscopy and the HSG. She tilted her head at me and said that they had only set up the HSG. WTF? My doctor was finishing up his last surgery and running a little late, so we had to wait for him to finish that.

The doctor came in and was floored. He said when he saw the orders, he asked the staff if they were sure I only wanted the HSG and they said yes. I of course said no, that wasn't what I said. In fact, I had to explain to them 1000 times what was happening. He was PISSED. Like almost cussing pissed. And this is a really mellow kid of guy. We talked, he said he would make some calls to see about if we could still go ahead with the original plan. While he made calls, I thought through whether I wanted to do just the HSG. In my mind, I had pretty much decided to go through with the other procedure. I had taken off work after all. However, he came in and said that the OR and anesthesia staff all were able to do the procedure. His office (and I could hear that conversation THROUGH the door) said it looked like there was no reason my insurance would balk at the other procedure. I hope/assume they started making those calls yesterday.

This reassures my feeling that, when it comes to things that are not "normal," there are members of his staff who are clueless. He indicated that he assumed he would lose me as a patient after this, and that he would suggest I see the person his wife sees. My problem is two-fold. First, as a doctor I REALLY like him. He makes me feel at ease, and he always remembers stuff about me. Second, the NURSES who I talk to on the phone are always super nice and follow up when they say they will. ::sigh::

I think that's a big enough block of text for today. Surgery tomorrow.

Ugh

So, today I go in for an endometriosis test and while they do that, they will try the HSG again. General anesthesia here I come! I'm actually really nervous as I have never been put totally under.

So, maybe I'll get some answers. And maybe not. Right now I just feel light headed and out of it. No food, water, gum, etc since midnight.

Let's see. A's been sick, and he oh so kindly appears to have given it to me. Boo.

Work is crazy, but in a good way. This time of year is trying and fun all at the same time. AP's are winding down as we prepare for the exam in May. The seniors have gotten in to college and now get to decide where they will go. They are a little wild, but I am blessed to work in a school with legitimately good kids.

The dogs are good, and my favorite shelter dog, Rocksanne, was leaving for her adoptive home yesterday. You go girl!

A friend announced she's pregnant. It's interesting that the last few people I've found out about have really upset me. But I'm not at all upset about her. I mean, I still REALLY want to be pregnant myself, but I just know that she's a good person and will make a great mom. My happiness far outweighs my selfishness. (I didn't think I'd be able to do that.) Plus, I can be sure she won't kill any of her pets just because she has a kid. That helps.

Now, I have to finish with a couple pics of my last walk with Rocksanne. I know I look terrible, but I was trying to figure out how to take the picture AND hold on to the 100 lb mastiff while sitting on the corner of Market and Jefferson.

An Update

After my awful attempt at an HSG, the doctor called today. He said he'd been playing phone tag with the RE he works with most often. The RE said that the next option was to try the HSG again while I was under general anesthesia. Now, the reality is that, if the HSG comes back normal, I would then need to move from my OB to an RE. The RE said that HIS first step would be to check for endometriosis. While I haven't really had any signs of that to date, it would still be something to check. In order to check of it, I would need a laparoscopic surgery under general anesthesia.

Notice the two outpatient surgeries here?

Soooo the current suggestion is that my OB will tell the insurance company that he suspects endometriosis and order the laparoscopic surgery. While I'm under for that, they will do the HSG. Because MO insurance doesn't cover any infertility, he could bill everything as diagnostic before sending me to an RE where I would have to start paying out of pocket.

Now DH and I have to talk about everything and figure out timing. My OB suggested summer, but with my job as director of the summer academy, it might actually be easier to take time off during the school year when I can get coverage for my work. I'm not coaching this season, and most of the summer stuff is ready to go. I should also only have to miss 1-2 days of work assuming I can schedule it close to a weekend.

So there's my story. I'll keep you all updated as more news comes. Thanks for all your good thoughts and vibes.

Boys Stop Here

If you are a guy, you should stop reading right here. I'm not kidding.

So, as I mentioned in my first post, we have been struggling to get pregnant. My blood work appears normal, OPK's indicate that I am ovulating every cycle, and DH's sperm counts are normal. The next step was to check my tubes and make sure they are open enough to allow the eggs to travel. That was scheduled for today.

The name of the test was the hysterosalpingogram or HSG. It starts out like a normal pelvic exam only the radiologist then puts a balloon in your uterus. After the balloon is inflated, a dye is injected so that they can make sure it flows into the fallopian tubes. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, the radiologist couldn't fine my cervix. Yup, you heard that right She couldn't find it.

Stop here, if you don't want to know details.

She tried the first speculum, and jammed it around looking for my cervix. I'm not kidding, I cried it hurt so bad. She then tried another speculum. I have no idea about the size difference, but, while I didn't cry, again, it was pretty painful and she couldn't see my cervix. So then she sent the tech to get a longer speculum. At least this one was long enough that she could look around without jabbing me like it was a weapon, but she STILL couldn't find my cervix. She then used one of the first two again.

That's right. I had four, count then FOUR, pelvic exams on Monday for NO REASON. I called the office to ask what to do. My doctor is out of town, but the nurses were super sweet and apologetic. He'll be back next week, and hopefully there will be something to say. However, we can't even try the test again until next month.

All that pain, all that stress, and let's not forget the money that I'm sure it will cost me, and we are still NO closer to having a baby. I'm ready to give up. I think I'll end up living in this crappy neighborhood with no kids for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll be lucky and get run over by a semi. At least then DH would get some financial benfit.

A New Stage

So I have pretty much stopped blogging for a while. I think a big part of it is that I felt like my other blog no longer represented who I am right now. I still love horses, but after losing Luke, I just can't bring myself to be at the barn as much as I was. I still miss him.

So, here's a new space that will hopefully help me focus on this new part of my life and what matters most to me now. What is that? Well, dogs, obviously. I spend a lot of my free time at Stray Rescue walking dogs and helping how I can. I still go out to eat with friends. I teach, read, and watch TV.

Honestly, I am also having trouble getting pregnant. I haven't told many people about this because it is so personal, and I honestly feel quite fragile still. So, I'll probably talk a little bit about that too.

Oh, and I hope to be moving to a new house soon. So, if everything goes as I hope, then I'll get to talk about that too. I'd love it if you follow me, and I'd love it even more if you comment on what you read. Thanks in advance if you have followed me over.

And now a pic because too much text is a sad post.

This is Absinthe and she is a sweet Stray Rescue dog. I love her laughing face as we clean the shelter in the morning.